Hello pretty people.
I’m always daunted by the task of writing a first blog post, but here we go. This year has been a whirlwind of ups and downs and amazing experiences.
I’ll start at the beginning. January 1st 2017 I was just getting back from a tour from the Christmas show I usually do around the holiday season. I had devoured multiple books on self love, healing, and meditation on the lengthy tour bus rides through the frozen hinterlands of the Midwest. (Shout out to my two faves You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero and The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein) – I was feeling steady and like I was really making great strides in my emotional journey and my road to happiness. I had two amazing jobs lined up, I had a boyfriend, great friends, I was in shape from slaving away at the gym and counting all those calories. Life seemed pretty great. I chose a word as my theme of this year. A tradition that I am going to continue in the years to come because I think it’s a little more fun and interesting than writing out ten or fifteen resolutions that may or may not send me into a heap of anxiety when I don’t complete them in time.
My word for 2017 was heal.
What I can see clearly now as 2018 nears, is that I had a very different idea of what healing would mean for me when I first chose my word. I selected it because I had this gut feeling telling me that this would be the year that I would become some whole super power wielding healthy human beast. (Dramatic) Really, I think I had visions that my life would fall into place and the hurt and damage lurking beneath my skin would dissipate in a perfectly linear way. I imagined me climbing uphill towards perfection healing more and more with every journal page I jotted down and yoga class I sweated and cursed through. (I think I’m the only person on Earth who gets angry while doing yoga) Unfortunately the ugly stuff would still need to air out and it had a mind of its own, even though I tried my hardest to make it go away in the prettiest way possible.
About three months into the year I went through a few life changes that echoed things that I went through in 2016. I found that I was extremely angry with myself for repeating the cycle and staying stuck in the same story that I was trying to escape from. Sparing you the messy details I spent a lot of time in emotional ups and downs and found myself at the therapist, which I can’t recommend enough if you happen to be an empath or if you are dealing with major life changes.
What I’m trying to share with you and myself is this: this year I learned what I needed to learn to heal – and it’s that you can’t be so fixated on appearing perfect to everyone – and you also can’t bend over backward to please everyone at the expense of your self worth, feelings, and self-respect. Imperfection is normal. Boundaries are normal. Skipping a workout is not the end of the world. If someone wants to leave you, it’s probably for the best. Zit on your face? We all have them. You need to love yourself *this is important* THE REAL YOU – not the one you want everyone to like on instagram, not the version of you that you photoshopped to look like a Kardashian (guilty) – not the you that is at your glitz and glam best.
As I type this I am in my disheveled room with makeup from my early morning show smeared down my face and about fifteen pounds heavier than I was January 1st of 2017 – and it’s funny because I’ve never felt this confident and aware of who I am as a person. I’ve learned that in order to heal myself I have to name and acknowledge the underlying conditioning that I have picked up and learned from years of unhealthy relationships, a skewed body image, and bouts of low self esteem.
After taking a month long hiatus from all social media, working out, tracking food, and being so tough on myself I feel like I have resurfaced a little more aware of the right way to go about things. This November I have challenged myself to do yoga or workout at least once a day for a length of my choosing, and if I don’t feel like it then it’s not the end of the world. I have challenged myself to stick to a plant based diet – but to not stress if I happen to mess up once in a while. What feels better about my approach to health and wellness is I feel like I’m doing it more out of self love than ever before rather than for other people. I want to be healthy. I want to eat great food and live a balanced life. I want to live for myself and loved ones and help others to do the same.
If anyone wants to join in on this zero pressure November challenge with me you are welcome to it. I’m going to be posting a few times a week on this blog and I keep my instagram updated daily with the dankest vegan food and dog photos you’ll ever see. Let me know how your month is going or if you are on a journey to heal yourself as well – I know most of us are.