I had a bit of a revelation this morning. I was thinking about how I want to lose a bit of the weight I have gained over the past year or so. I am currently at the exact same weight that I was at when I embarked on a fitness journey and lost fifteen to twenty pounds, which got me to the lowest weight I’ve ever seen on the scale as an adult. In my current state, my clothes are a little too tight, my bras are a lost cause, and I’m feeling a little more sluggish than I’d like to feel.
For some reason I have had a harder time feeling motivated to lose weight because aside from my clothes not fitting right and the frustrating hunt for the perfect bra I am pretty damn content and at peace with the way I look at the moment – and that constant feeling of being at ease and comfortable in my own skin is so foreign that it brought actual tears to my eyes today as I sat at my desk at work.
In the past, I used my self-loathing to fuel my fire – I didn’t realize it – but I did. Speaking from experience, if you use self-loathing to push yourself toward a goal it can be a powerful force – but it comes at an extremely high price. When you reach that goal weight after driving yourself there on the self-hatred train you may not even realize that you have reached the finish line. You may not be able to stop, because you don’t actually see that you’ve made any progress.
If you are constantly feeding your psyche with negative self talk, you’re going to believe it no matter what the reality is. As a person who suffers from Body Dysmorphic Disorder, this added self loathing was crippling and put a blindfold over my eyes when I dipped under the healthy weight line and into the skeletor regions. I remember feeling CRAPPIER about my body when I was underweight than I do now. Even when friends and family told me I looked too skinny. I laughed and genuinely thought that they were joking. After all, in my mind, I had ten more pounds to lose.
I feel incredibly proud of my journey and I am incredibly proud of the people who suffer and manage daily with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It’s an ugly thing to bear, and I have hardly written about the ugliest parts of it because of the deep shame I experience when I come face to face with my disorder. It’s a lot more than not seeing yourself clearly. It’s fixating on something you deem to be an imperfection until it almost drives you insane. It’s skin picking. It’s crippling social anxiety. It’s checking your appearance in the mirror literally HUNDREDS of times each day to make sure that you still see yourself clearly. All of this can lead people down self destructive paths, and I feel so incredibly thankful that finally at 25 I can feel a little bit of peace.
That peace is exactly what I’m going to use as motivation for my weight loss going forward: The love for my body and my health and a peaceful mind. Love yourself fiercely my friends and your body and mind will respond accordingly. ❤